'Coming out'

Having read Tinks blog about writing an article and 'coming out' (a very appropriate way of putting it), I have been thinking a lot about how we are a hidden group where some of us (including me) feel unable to be open and honest with people about having HepC. I have kept my +ve status secret from all but the closest of friends and family, and have for the last 10 years (since being a relapser on interferon alpha) been pretty much in some kind of denial about it. Trying to live my life as if HepC didn't exist, refusing treatment 'I'll be fine, I look after myself, eat well, exercise regularly...', explaining my abstinence from alcohol with a variety of reasons tailored to meet the needs of the enquirer etc etc. And all the time carrying the weight as if it wasn't there. And I still do, with lots of people.

It is a great weight to carry something around that you feel you have to keep hidden for fear of other peoples recriminations, assumptions and judgements. To feel like you have to - that in itself is a burden. I want to be able to be open, so that when people ask how I am I can look them in the eye and say 'I have hepatitis C, I'm taking some treatment, I don't feel great but I hope it will work'. That's it. How hard can it be?

But then having to deal with peoples shocked (and upset) responses - here's the tricky bit - 'Bloody hell, how did you get that? Are you OK?'! For me - life history ensues; justifications, explanations, reassurances. That's the problem with this, it's not like some other diseases where I can tell someone I have it and that's that. It opens a whole can of worms that I then have to try to prevent from escaping to places where they might do some damage. Those worms are 20 years out of date and say absolutely nothing true about who I am, yet I fear that they still have the capacity to do harm, that they will form a colony and spread a story that becomes more distorted the more it's told. So do I lie - '...hmmm yes, it's very puzzling, I'm not really sure where I got it - maybe earpiercing, dentist, ummmm an operation I once had...'? OK this avoids the life story saga bit, but ultimately is it good for one's soul to do this? How can I live comfortably or make peace with something I can't even be straight about? Quite a dilemma that I am grappling with at the moment.

Well anyway, these are all thoughts going through my head. I hope that one day I can hold my head up and say 'I am strong, I live with my mistakes from the past, judge me if you will, but I know myself better'. I am gathering courage from, and am grateful to all those who are helping us to be more visible, more normal and therefore less stigmatised. I am working towards being a contributor.